I'm here for you" part 1
by Rion
Summary: Shinji Ikari as always been put on a pedistal away from the world, what if the infulence of one girl can get him off it?


NGE: "I'm here for you"

Part 1

  
I remember the first day. The first time I saw here she swept into   
the classroom and took my breath away. Her radiant smile, her carefree   
demeanour, her eyes sparkling with hope. She was a beacon calling out to   
me, cute as she was that was not really drew my attention, more perhaps   
just an aura around her, which pierced the gloomy nature of the classroom.   
Her introduction was much like that of Asuka only this time I wasn't   
overcome by pure shock....well in the negative sense anyway. Even her   
voice was intoxicating as I hung on her every word about her past and   
dreams of the future. This really did surprise me since I had never been   
taken this way by any person before, especially someone so new, so foreign   
to me. I don't know when I slipped into my daydream but I was suddenly   
shaken out of it when our sensei spoke up telling her to take a seat  
next to me.

As he pointed out her destination I felt my cheeks redden severely   
and I quickly setup my laptop so I could hide behind it's screen. I heard   
footsteps draw closer, then the sliding of a chair on the floor and finally   
I felt a presence in a close proximity to me. I slowly turned my head to   
the right to find Mana staring at me with her bright eyes, I knew that at   
that moment I must have been as red as a tomato. But it didn't seem to   
bother her as she smiled warmly.

"Hi I'm Kirishima Mana, what's your name?"

I almost gagged when she spoke. She actually talked to me! I gradually   
built up my courage and found my strength to speak while under the gaze of her   
shining eyes.

"Ikari.." I gulped. "Ikari Shinji."

She smiled at me then turned her attention to the front of the classroom.   
However attention had not swayed from her, boys and girls alike were staring   
at the newcomer, trying to decide if she was friend or foe. Certainly her   
happy attitude was something to be curious about, I mean what was there really   
to be happy about? At the time all I knew was sadness and despair, well the   
twelfth angel had passed rather quickly and I was grateful of that, but I was   
certain that wouldn't last. I took one last look at her and found myself slightly   
shaking my head at her, she was a fragile flower which would be certainly   
crushed in the current war against the heavens.

"Mr Ikari are you paying attention?" My sensei asked.

Once again I was jerked back into reality by the calling of my teacher, I   
felt my face flush once more as some of the girls let out small  
laughs...including Mana. That feeling didn't last long as I noticed the   
icy stare of Asuka who was sitting in the corner, her frown was clearly   
evident. I quickly turned around and faced the desk like a puppy who had   
just been hit by it's master.

The rest of the day passed rather normally, monotonous class work, a brief   
reprieve in the day's schedule during lunchtime which I spent alone.   
Nothing was really different until class was dismissed. It was my turn to   
clean up and prepare for the following day's lessons.

Now cleaning was something I never minded much, it was almost like a   
reflex action, perhaps because cleaning was so simple I enjoyed it. You could   
have the messiest place on Earth, yet with a bit of work and devotion you could   
turn a dirty stye into a temple of cleanliness, it was like a blank slate.   
My only wish was to be able to handle my problems with the same devotion and   
reflex I had to cleaning, but then not all wishes come true.

Another thing I enjoyed about cleaning, because it was so mechanical was   
that it was slow enough to let my thoughts sink in while also being   
enough work to keep my mind sharp and active. Although that day my thoughts   
were on topics far from Evangelions, angels or my father, they focused  
solely on one girl who I barely knew. I surprised myself for the second time   
that day being that she was the only thing I could think about, so  
much so that several minutes later I realised I had been holding a dustbin the   
whole time I was thinking. That had never happened before.

My thoughts never faltered as I walked home that evening either. I walked   
slowly in no rush to get home since I knew Asuka would be there waiting for   
me. I know Kaji said to me that men and women were always on distant shores but   
Asuka seemed like a world away to me, her motives always seemed to   
contradict her actions in one form or another. Even if I wanted to even attempt   
to understand Asuka she would always throw up some new obstacle in the way and it   
seemed that she was covering herself way too effectively.

******

I arrived home shortly after six-thirty. Before I even had a chance to   
announce my arrival as the door slid open Asuka was in my face screaming.

"You stupid idiot. Where the hell have you been?!"

I cringed back slightly, preparing myself for the rest of her verbal onslaught.

"How long does it take to sweep up a little dust and straighten a few desks   
I ask you?!"

I didn't really know what to say, it wasn't like I was going to tell Asuka   
what had been on my mind all day. My belief was that sharing was a mutual thing, and   
if Asuka didn't want to share then I wasn't obligated to share with her even if I   
wanted to. So I decided on the next best thing.

"I...was just tired."

I knew Asuka didn't believe a word I said but right at the moment I couldn't   
really blame her. I've always been a terrible liar. I edged my way around her and   
quickly walked into the sanctuary of my room. As I slid the door back I let the breath   
which had been bunched in my lungs out in a large rush. Once again my stomach was in   
knots, it always seemed to do that when I had to deal with Asuka, I was really tiring   
of that feeling.

My reprieve was only mere moments when Asuka's screeching shattered the quiet   
which had been with me only moments before.

"Shinji you idiot, you're not supposed to sleep now. I want my dinner!"

I groaned inwardly and crumpled face down on my bed wishing not only did we   
have locks on our doors, but soundproof walls. In a last ditch attempt to recapture   
some the lost serenity I placed my headphones in my ears and began playing my SDAT   
with the pillow over my head. It was about that time that I wished that I had just   
slept in the classroom.

Misato didn't get home till after ten, before that I had to literally barricade   
myself in my bedroom to keep Asuka out. After a brief discussion I heard nothing more   
from the two women. It was about eleven at night when I emerged from my room, I was   
extremely hungry and also needed a visit to the toilet, but I didn't dare while Asuka   
was around. Using my old torch I navigated the apartment until I found the bathroom.   
Once finished there I headed for the kitchen and extracted somesupplies in order to   
make a few meagre sandwiches with. Normally I would have liked to take my time and   
do everything properly but I was in a hurry because I didn't want to be caught by   
Misato, or even worse, Asuka.

I finished my meal in my room and left the plate on my desk. As I slipped   
under the covers I took notice of the clock which reported that it was getting close   
to midnight. Suddenly I felt very strange and empty even though my body was satisfied.   
My thoughts drifted back to Mana once more, I didn't want them to but then I was never   
good at the mind over matter stuff. There was just something about her which I couldn't  
shake from my mind even though I had known her for less than a day and we had hardly   
spoken. This was something I wasn't used to at all.

I wasn't sure what time I drifted off to sleep again but I'm guessing it would   
have had to been rather late since I didn't feel so good when I was roused from my   
sleep the following morning. Actually roused was a light way to describe it.

"WAKE UP YOU IDIOT!" Asuka bellowed. I was used to her morning tantrums, but   
that day she seemed extra louder.

I groaned and slowly sat up in my bed. I was rather groggy but not too overly   
tired, I guess I caught just enough sleep to stave off exhaustion. When I finished   
rubbing my eyes I looked up and noticed Asuka staring down at me, her blue eyes staring   
daggers into my own. We didn't move or speak for several moments until I decided to   
take the intuitive.

"What?" I asked.

Asuka merely scowled at me and left the room. This was not normal, even for   
her.

******

I walked to school alone that day. Misato told me that Asuka had left while I   
was in the shower. I was well aware that she was angry with me, probably over my   
actions of the previous night I concluded. Asuka was always one for being left   
alone, but then she would demand attention like a baby throwing a tantrum, I never   
knew when I was supposed to pay attention to her and when to steer clear of the   
redhead.

When I arrived at school I was met at the gate by my two friends, Toji and   
Kensuke.

"Hey Shinji!" Toji called.

Both of them jogged up to me and we formed into an odd triangle shaped   
formation standing on the sidewalk.

"You were running late so we decided to wait for you." Kensuke added.

"Well I woke up a little late." I knew that was a believable excuse.

"Yeah you look like you also went to sleep late too." Commented Kensuke.

I gave a weak grin and nodded. Then Toji turned his eyes back to mine   
and I knew something else was up.

"Say Shinji, what's up with big red?"

This I had not been expecting. "Huh?" was all I was able to manage.

"I mean she's been in there for at least half an hour going on about how   
much of an idiot you are."

I gulped.

"She's also been screaming at anyone who goes near her."

"Asuka why can't you ever take anything in good stead?" I thought to myself.   
Then I found myself under the watchful gaze of at least half of the student body who   
knew why Asuka was acting up. I even blushed somewhat at that. However I didn't   
know what I could do. So I stood there like a dummy. I knew it was a cowards way   
out, but I was fine with that, Asuka in this state could not be reasoned with, the   
pain caused superseded everything.

I looked up at our classroom's window. I heard Asuka's cursing very clearly   
now, it was a mixture of Japanese with her native German language. I also knew all   
those harsh words were directed at me without having to hear my name. I knew everyone   
was watching, but what did they want me to do? Fortunately for me however, less than   
twenty seconds later the bell rang and everyone filed towards their classrooms, but   
they went very slowly and kept staring in my general direction every so often. I had   
never felt so uncomfortable in all my life, even though I had done nothing.

******

Lunchtime wasn't much better. The whole class kept me in visual range the   
whole time, not even Toji and Kensuke would approach me. I knew I couldn't face all   
those questioning glances and I ate with my back to them all. Later I felt a tap on   
my shoulder, I jumped slightly and quickly turned my head to see who was behind me.

"Shinji?" It was Hikari.

"Y-yes?"

Hikari scrunched the hem of her skirt with her right hand, while she was   
unconsciously flexing her left hand. She also had an uncertain look on her face, she   
sighed and looked back at me again.

"What happened with Asuka Shinji? I..kinda got here late...and well.."

"I...I don't know."

"What?" she took a step back in surprise.

"I mean I know I didn't cook dinner or anything, but Asuka never acted this   
way about something...so. so."

"Trivial?" Hikari offered.

"Yeah."

She continued to stand in front of me, trying to say something, then losing   
her nerve at the last second.

"W-why, aren't you having lunch with.."

"She won't let anyone near her." Hikari finished, throwing a sad look in   
Asuka's direction.

She was sitting under a tree, at the far end of the grounds, just staring   
at her bento with distaste. To my relief her hunger changed her look as she finally   
began to eat.

Hikari turned back to me. "S-sorry for bothering you." She bowed slightly   
and left before I had a chance to reply. I only sighed and returned to my lunch.

******

I still don't know if it was fate that day, but in afternoon class, we were   
all assigned a partner for a class project.

"Second Impact?!"

"Yes that's right Shinji" said Hikari.  
  
"B-but we know everything about second impact already, I mean our sensei has.."

"Yes I know." She sighed. "But this is different, we have to get into   
pairs and present a report on an assigned topic. I think you will find it a bit   
different."

I nervously took the piece of paper Hikari held out for me.

"Ecological changes on the Earth?"

"Yep."

"W-wow, and my partner is...."

I had been praying to god that Asuka's name wasn't on the note, but when I   
saw whose name was, I almost choked.

"Mana" Hikari giggled.

I knew I was blushing, and not only blushing a light shade, but completely red. It   
seemed that now every girl in the class was gigging at me, except for Rei who bore her  
usual expressionless face, and Asuka who acknowledged my presence for the first time   
that day with a stare which could have melted a block of ice.

"Is there a problem Mr Ikari?" Asked my sensei.

"N-no sir!" I hastily replied.

******

As I prepared to go home that afternoon, Mana approached me.

"Hi there partner" she began.

I stiffened, and turned to face her slowly.

"H-hi."

I knew I was blushing, as I saw her holding back another giggle.

"Uh...sorry...I-I...guess I am..."

"Don't worry about it". She smiled. "Anyway, since you're going to be my   
partner, I thought we should get to know each other a little better."

I stared at her with a blank expression on my face. I guess I made her   
nervous, and I felt a little guilty about that.

"So we can...work...better...and stuff."

I smiled. "S-sounds good."

She returned my smile. "Great!"

It turned out that she also lived on the outskirts of the city, not too far  
from Misato's apartment, so we had a lot of time to talk. Although I admit she did  
most of the talking. It was all pretty harmless, 'get to know you stuff', that was   
until..

"I also hear you're an Eva pilot."

I almost gagged when she said that. "Uh, yeah."

"When dad said we were moving here, I was really afraid. You know with those   
big monsters attacking the city." She continued.

"A-angels."

"Yeah." Her voice lowered. "But then he told me about the pilots, who were   
fighting the angels. He showed me your picture..and told me you were a pilot. I...I   
didn't believe him at first."

"No-one did" I added.

We continued to walk, it was rather quick at first, but the pace seemed to   
slow with every passing block.

"Does it hurt?"

I snapped my head up to look her in the eyes. "W-what?"

She stole my posture, and looked at her feet for a few seconds, then back   
up at me. I must have been waiting with a very curious expression on my face.

"Does piloting your....Eva, hurt?"

I was at a loss for words. Piloting certainly brought much physical pain. I   
remember being beaten to a pulp, shot by beams of light and boiled alive. But then   
there was also emotional pain, and that hurt me greater and longer than any other   
wound could. I knew as long as I piloted Eva I was being used, not just by my   
father, but everyone, even Mana. They all needed me for their survival, without me   
they would all die. The anxiety, the tension, the pressure, the responsibility, they   
all weighed heavily on my frail shoulders, finding the strength to go on was getting   
increasingly more difficult. And even with all the problems that were mounting, it   
became even harder to tell anyone, no matter how much I wanted to.

I could only nod.

******

I was never one to return home late, but I had been doing it alot then. When   
I did get back to the apartment, I noticed it was rather quiet. I was used to that,   
since I was usually the first one home. But when Asuka or Misato were home there was   
always the sounds of idle chatter, the low roar of the TV or stereo. I also knew that   
Asuka was home because her shoes were in their usual pile near the front door.

"Tadima" I called out, but no-on answered. Remembering that morning's encounter  
with Asuka, I decided that confrontation with her was the last thing I wanted.   
Instead I went to my room and changed into a pair of shorts, and another blue shirt.   
Emerging from my room I settled down in front of the TV to see if there was anything   
of interest on. Hearing the sound of entertainment Pen Pen quickly exited his fridge   
to join me on the couch. After several minutes of channel changing we settled on a   
documentary, if you could call it that, on the second impact. I believed that if I   
couldn't find something entertaining I might as well learn about my project subject.

I guess working for NERV did have it's advantages, because very detail was   
horribly wrong, from the NASA subspace radar records, to observer accounts from South   
Africa and Australia. However the program spoke briefly of an Antarctic expedition   
which was caught at ground zero during the time of second impact. The details escaped   
me because I hadn't been listening too intently, that was until I heard the name   
Katsuragi mentioned. I immediately reminded myself to ask Misato if she knew anything   
about it.

The program ended around seven, I almost jumped when I saw the time, it was   
already past dinner. Usually if my stomach growling wasn't enough, Asuka's was.   
Strangely I hadn't heard a come from her room since I returned home. Aside from my   
own hunger, Pen Pen joined in the demands for food with an angry squawk to hasten   
my journey to the kitchen. Cooking was another task I could perform well without   
having to think too much about the task at hand. Some of my thoughts were dominated   
by the way Asuka had behaved, and what I had done to trigger it. I also thought about   
the mysterious Katsuragi expedition, and if it truly was a part of history or the lies   
and conspiracy theories. But mostly I thought about what Mana had said to me that   
afternoon.

"Does piloting your....Eva hurt?"

I sighed as I stared down at the saucepan of rice I was heating. "It always   
does."

******

Since we didn't have any homework other than the assigned project, I spent   
most of the nightin front of the TV with Pen Pen. I had left a tray of food in front   
of the door to Asuka's room, vainlyhoping that she would let her pride down for a   
moment and accept the meal I had prepared for her. More and more I found myself   
staring at the tray, rather than the TV. I remember the old saying 'a watched pot   
never boils' yet I couldn't help but watch.

As the night dragged on I found myself feeling increasingly more guilty as   
I observed the unmoving dinner. My mind kept trailing back to the previous day, yet   
I could find nothing that I had done out of the ordinary. Despite the guilt, I knew   
that I wouldn't find the answer that night andreluctantly turned back to the TV.

I must have fallen asleep soon after, the sound of the front door sliding open   
was enough towake me from my light slumber.

"Tadima" Misato sleepily called out. She dropped her jacket next to the couch   
and stumbled towards the kitchen where I always left her meals to be quickly heated up   
in the microwave. "Evening Shinji-kun, where's Asuka-chan?"

I fell of the couch as she mentioned Asuka's name. I had totally forgotten   
about her, I quickly picked myself up and looked over at her door, I smiled, she had   
taken the food.

"Something the matter Shinji-kun?" Misato asked from in the kitchen, calling   
over the sound of the microwave humming.

"N-no" I lied. A lot had happened over the past two days I was still trying   
to get a grip on. I promised I would tell Misato, sometime when I could deal with it   
all myself, there was nothing worse than having to explain something I was not sure of   
myself to Misato. But that night wasn't it, and I was rather tired. I quickly   
announced my going to bed to Misato and patted Pen Pen on the head before walking to   
my room, giving Asuka's door a long glance before entering my room.

Usually before going to sleep I would lay on my bed in the darkness and think   
aboutwhat had occurred that day. Having done that ten times over that day anyway, and   
still notgetting any closer to any conclusion, I didn't feel the need to.

Besides, I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

******

Now I didn't know what it was, it might have been that I fell asleep with   
nothing burdening my mind, or perhaps it was just that I was totally exhausted, but   
I woke up the next morning feeling very refreshed. It was a welcome change from the   
all too familiar sensationof being slightly tired, although I never let it on to anyone. I quietly made my way to the  
bathroom, I knew it was still pretty early, and even though Misato had been home for   
many hours, she liked to sleep late, and who was I to change that? With practised ease   
I drew myself a bath, and relaxed in the warm waters, I had plenty of time since I was   
never expected to start breakfast for another thirty minutes.

Buttoning up my shirt as I emerged from the bathroom, I glanced at the wall   
clock. It was perfect, I had finished with over ten minutes to spare, but something   
wasn't right,I quickly checked Asuka's room, her door was open as I suspected. Asuka   
might have lived her life in a messy clutter, but she always kept to schedule, on school days she always promptly  
emerged from her room right on breakfast time, ever since I had lived with her, she   
had never deviated, till now.

"Asuka?" I called out. There was no answer, of course I hadn't called out   
that loud, lest I woke up Misato. Quietly I made a search of the apartment, finding   
no sign of her I assumed she had left while I was in the bathroom. I didn't know what   
to feel then, there was the feeling of sadness that it had come to Asuka sneaking out   
of the house behind my back, but then there was also relief that I didn't have to put   
up with her and the way she was acting at the time. One other thought had crossed my   
mind as well, Toji, a guy who I would have called my best friend had been acting so   
distant lately.

Of course I didn't have much time to wonder about anything because about one   
third of the way to school I ran into Mana who was leaning against a nearby wall.

"Took your time this morning did we?" She teased.

I blushed. "N-no, just had a few things to do at home."

"Oh okay." She smiled and she began walking with me.

I struggled to find a topic to discuss with her, even though we had been   
assigned to be partners in a project. But as soon as I remembered the project I guess   
the words spilt out. "Did you...um see that documentary on second impact last night?"

"Of course I did." She beamed. "I saw it in the guide magazine and taped it  
just in case I missed a bit. There's another one coming up tomorrow, and I'm pretty   
sure the library might also have some information, I mean it was one of the biggest   
eventsin human history."

"Uh, yeah" was all I could manage. Knowing the truth really sucked at times.

Suddenly Mana stopped in her tracks.

"I-is there something wrong?"

"You don't seem to enthusiastic about the whole thing....is there...something   
wrong?"

I just stood there looking at the girl who was struggling to find the right   
words.

"I mean, if you don't want to be my partner, I'm sure sensei will allows us to   
work seperatly, afterall..."

"No that's not what I meant!" I blurted out.

"Shinji?"

"I..." I tied to look her in the eyes, but failed. "You, don't need to do   
that."

"But if you're unconfortable..."

"No, I'm happy to be your partner." Finally I was able to lock eyes with her.   
I saw her lips begin to curl upwards. "it's just...well, I..." I had to find some   
other excuse besides telling her that everything she belived she knew aboutsecond   
impact was a lie.

"Not really into discussing projects this early in the morning hmm?" Mana   
finished for me.

"Yeah." I smiled weakly. "Sorry."

"It's okay. So what would you like to talk about?" We slowly started to walk   
again.

Suddenly a thought appeared in my mind, slowly a genuine smile appear on my   
face. "Say, did you hear about the new movie based on the second impact?"

"Oh yeah, what was it called again?"

"Force of nature, the second impact story."

"That's it!" Mana agreed. "Directed by Anno, his movies are always   
blockbusters."

"I dunno. His endings are always a little sad, and difficult to understand."

"He's an artist, you just don't get it." Mana teased coyly.

I sighed. "Maybe I don't."

"Still, it might be educational to go and see it sometime don't you think?   
Get another angle for our report."

I was shocked, she had just suggested that we should go and see a movie   
togeather, permittied it was to help with our project but still it was something   
besides sitting in a library togeather. "Sounds good." I blushed slightly.

"Then it's settled, say next week?" She flashed me a very cute smile.

I had no other choice but to say "sure."

******

That afternoon I made my way to the video arcade in the a plaza which was close  
to the school to meet up with Toji and Kensuke. The distance was an attractive  
attribute, but other factors also came into the decision, it also had the latest games  
and the largest screens. Although on a side not it was also close to a popular   
clothing store and shoujo manga store where all the girls from school went to. I   
would have chalked up all my victories against the my friends to the simple fact that   
they were gawking at a critical moment in the game, not that I minded much.

As I walked into the arena of flashing lights and loud noises I noticed Kensuke   
at it already, peering from behind an arcade machine at two girls from the year above   
us.

"Wow mother nature sure has been kind to those two." Kensuke drooled  
from behind his video camera.

I sighed and shook my head as Kensuke continued to film the two completely   
unaware girls from the safety one way mirrors that surrounded the arcade. Perhaps   
actually if there were no such mirrors there would be a lot less customers, so Kensuke   
wasn't on his own unfortunately. I took a coin from out of my pocket and put it in the   
slot of the machine, the clink of the coin was enough to startle Kensuke.

"Oh it's you Shinji." Kensuke sighed with relief.

"You should really stop doing that. You might get found out sometime." I   
warned, keeping my eyes on the screen as I played.

"Yeah like a girl ever comes in here anyway." Kensuke retorted.

I continued to play for a while. "True." I finally admitted.

I heard Kensuke give one of his smug chuckles of victory as he walked around   
and inserted a coin into the machine and took up the second player controls.

We played for about half an hour, then I realised something. "Hey, where's   
Toji?"

"He got cleanup duty today. So he couldn't make it."

"That's too bad, I thought a few games might have cheered him up a bit, he's   
been a bit out of it lately."

"Kinda like you when we first met you."

"Yeah." Something was defiantly wrong with Toji but neither of us could figure  
out what it was. "Maybe, maybe something has happened to his sister."

"I doubt it. Its gotta be something even deeper than that."

"Yeah." I had to agree with Kensuke there.

We played for at least another half hour without a word passed between us   
until Kensuke spoke, a topic which was familiar yet, yet I wasn't expecting it.   
"So what's the new Eva going to be like?"

That made me drop my controls. "What?"

"You mean that you haven't heard about it?" Kensuke's voice suddenly  
raised two octaves. "You mean they haven't chosen a pilot?!"

I knew it was a mistake to respond, yet I did. "I haven't heard."

"This is so cool, Misato could choose me!"

I sighed. "I don't think that Misato is responsible for selecting  
Eva pilot candidates."

"But still she must have some say" Kensuke whined.

"I really don't know."

"Would you pllleeaaaseee ask her for me?"

Defeated, I relented to my friend's pleadings. "Okay, okay."

"Hi boys!" Came a familiar voice. Both Kensuke and I had never jumped so   
high in our lives.

I was the first to turn around to confirm my suspicions.

"H-hi Mana." I tried to greet her with a smile.

She smiled back. "Good afternoon Shinji-kun. Where's your other accomplice?"

"A-accomplice?"

"She's talking about Toji, Shinji-KUN" Kensuke whispered.

"O-oh, uh, he's got..cleanup duty today."

"Wellll, since I have nothing else on for this afternoon, would you mind if   
I joined you guys?"

"I, ah, I didn't know you played videogames."

"Sometimes." She grinned as she took up the third player controls.

I groaned inwardly, trying to keep my eyes on the screen instead of Mana.   
"Girls don't come here indeed Kensuke" I thought agressively towards the oktau who   
was blissfully unaware.

It was still a fun afternoon, although I always enjoyed myself during our   
special time of week down at the arcade, somehow that day felt special, more carefree.   
We all walked home that afternoon laughing and talking, it continued as Kensuke had to   
turn towards his own home, since Mana lived on the way to Misato's it was natural we   
kept walking togeather. Finally we reached the intersection which took us our seperate  
ways, we both stopped, in no real hurry to carry on in our respective directions.

"Thanks Shinji, that was fun."

I blushed a little. "Ah, no problem, it was fun having you with us."

Mana looked at me for a moment, before averting her eyes from mine for a moment  
while she fidgited with the material of her school uniform. "Would...you mind if I,   
tagged along with you guys next week?"

My mind reeled as she said those words to me, she actually wanted to spend time   
with me, not just because we were forced to do a project togeather. I strugged to find   
a reply. "Uh, sure, I mean the more the merrier right?"

"Right" she smiled. It felt good when she smiled like that.  


******  
  
The rest week was fairly hectic. School hours were of course taken up by  
academic matters, with the occasional second impact rambling, except the class   
actually took note, in case our sensei might have actually said something important.   
The rest of my time was largely spent on working on my project with Mana, she seemed   
to always have a book, or a tape with something that was relevant, although admittedly   
I was starting to think she had gone a little overboard. Her desire to excel was   
pretty evident.

"What we really need is something unique, some aspect no-one else will have   
thought of." Mana closed the book she had been reading and sat up.

"Well we have videos, graphs, pictures, you even asked your dad for all the  
old newspaper clip outs and news reports from the time and stuff."

"Yeah but everyone will have those things."

"I guess you're right." I still wondered what else we could do aside from   
re-creating second impact. "Hey, I've heard that commander Fuyutsuki is a biologist,   
perhaps he could help." I knew I had just made a wrong move.

Mana's eyes lit up. "Really?! Perhaps we, I mean you should go and ask him   
a few questions. I'll write up a few right now." She opened her notepad and began to   
scrawl vigoursly on the sheet of paper.

I had to think of something quick, lest I would have had to spent hours in   
the Geofront trying to find commander Fuyutsuki, let alone ask him any questions.   
There had to be something that would satisfy Mana's needs for perfection. My brain   
suddenly clicked. "Of course" I said to myself.

"What?" Asked Mana. "Did you say something Shinji?"

"Forget about commander Fuyutsuki. I think I have a better idea." I quickly   
picked myself up off the floor and gathered my notes and books back into my bag, while   
Mana watched me curiously from the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"I'll show you." I reached out for grabbed her hand, pulling her to her   
feet, however I must have pulled a little too enthusiastically and smashed her lightly   
against me. We both blushed deeply and I let her go instantly. "I-I'm sorry" I   
stammered, still blushing.

"It's ok" she replied, twirling a lock of hair with her finger. She stopped   
blushing and gave a small grin. "Besides I want to see what got you so worked up just   
before."

I found myself blushing even harder then.

******

"He's so adorable!" Squealed Mana in absolute delight as she cuddled Pen Pen   
close. The penguin looked up at me, almost afraid that the girl was going to squeeze   
him to death, I gave him a reassuring nod, he gave a quiet squawk and settled into   
Mana's arms. After a few moments she looked up at me. "You're right, this was a much   
better idea."

I gave a gentle smile. "He likes it when you stroke his head."

Mana continued to hug him to her chest with her left arm, while softly stroking   
his head and neck, Pen Pen let out another happy squawk and rubbed his head against   
Mana's neck. "But how can he survive in such a warm environment?"

"The day I moved in and found him.." I blushed remembering that day.   
"Misato-san told me that he is a warm water penguin, he didn't need to live in cold   
climate like other penguins."

"But how did he get like that?"

"I think it was some science experiment since both Antarctica was destroyed   
and winter was never a season. That they...genetically engineered him or something."

Mana turned Pen Pen around so she could look him in the face. "Well I was   
never a fan of genetic engineering, but if they can save these wonderful animals I   
guess it has its uses." She giggled and rubbed her forehead against Pen Pen's. Mana   
rubbed Pen Pen's chin with her index finger. "You'll help us with our project won't   
you cutie?" Pen Pen squawked happily in reply.   
  
I couldn't help but smile at the scene in front of me. I had seen Hikari act   
in a manner that was not unlike Mana's but I had never found it as interesting or   
captivating as it was before me at that moment.

"Don't you live with a guardian or something?"

"Oh, yeah Misato-san, she's a really nice person."

"Nice enough to let you have a girl here with you totally unsupervised?"   
Mana giggled as I blushed.

"W-well, we're o-only doing a project." I squeaked out. That morning I had  
seen a note posted on Misato's door that she was going to Matsusherio as part of  
Unit three's activation test. I had seen Kensuke earlier that day, he took it pretty  
hard.

"I know that. But it's fun to see you blush Shinji." Mana winked.

Having lived with Asuka for so long I had no idea whether to take that as  
a complement or an insult, I chose the former. "Uhhh, thanks."

"It looks like you don't believe me." Mana gave a sly smile as she got up   
and walked towards me.

"I-I believe you." I yelped. I watched as she walked towards me, but all I   
could so was stand there.

"Oh that doesnt sound really convincing to me Shinji-kun."

Again she called me Shinji-kun, she called me it in such a way it made my   
kness grow weak. "S-sorry."

"You have to believe me when I tell you Shinji, I like you for who you are,   
not what you are." Mana said as she around to stand behind me. I tried to follow   
her with me eyes but was unable to. I shuddered involuntarily, I was not used to   
have a girl so close to me.

"T-thankyou." Suddenly I yelped in surprise as I felt Mana's hands come up   
under my arms and begin to tickle me. I toppled forward, landing on all fours, I   
turned to see Mana already reaching forward again.

"Awww let me tickle you again!"

"N-no, I'm really sensitive there!" That was a mistake, I had carefuly masked   
how my sides were very susceptible any type of rubbing, even from Misato, now that   
secret was out.

"Really? Cool!"

Mana left the apartment late that afternoon, after only five days of work our   
project was almost completed when we had been allocated two weeks to finish, being   
ahead of schedule, while also enjoying the work I was doing was a good feeling, although   
my sides were a little sore from being a tickle subject. To keep the mood I decided to   
get to work on dinner. That's when the alarms sounded.

******  
  
"An explosion at Matsusherio?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "What   
about Misato, is she okay?"

"Major Katsuragi will live." I still remember how my blood turned cold as I   
heard that voice over the comm link, his face disguised by the 'Sound Only' box on my   
screen.

"W-what's going on?"

"In Major Katsuragi's absence, Commander Ikari will take command of this   
operation." Rei reported.

I couldn't say anything, I could barely hang onto my controls as I watched   
the orange horizon in front of me. I hoped that Misato was safe, that whoever the   
pilot was, was still okay, that whatever angel was coming towards us wouldn't hurt   
Asuka or Rei, and most of all I worried about my friend Mana who was probably cowering   
in a shelter somewhere.

"I hope the pilot is okay." I voiced over the comm link.

"WHAT?!" Asuka's face appeared on my screen. "You still don't know...the   
pilot is ahhh ahhhh!"

"Asuka? ASUKA?!" I screamed, but nothing but static was fed back to me. I   
grabbed my controls firmly and began to move my Eva towards Asuka's last known position.

"You will remain in your present position pilot." Again my father decided   
to speak.

"But Asuka is..."

"The second child is alive, Rei shall intercept the target."

"Yes sir." Then Rei's screen blinked off my screen.

I continued to stand in my position pointing my gun off at a target I couldn't   
even see yet, cursing myself for not doing anything, cursing myself for listening to   
my father again. Suddenly I heard a large growl off in the distance, then a sickening   
crunch and I knew I was on my own.

"Rei has failed, you will destroy it." Another order.

I didn't respond, instead I mentally trigger my targeting hud and waited.   
Whatever was going to come up that hill was going to pay for what it had done to both   
Rei and Asuka. That was until I saw what it really was.

"It's an Eva."

"It is your target, you must destroy it."

"B-but there could still be someone in it."

"Irrelevant, it is your target. Eva three exists no more."

Still I did nothing, even though it had hurt two people I cared about, I still   
refused to pull the trigger, against the wishes of the man I wanted so hard to please,   
I still refused to fire. The large hulking frame of the dark Eva lumbered towards   
me, weighed down by a mysterious burden and it's eyes glowing with intense hatred, I   
so desperately wanted to run at that moment, yet I refused to do even that.

The angel hybrid stopped a few hundred metres in front of me and regarded me   
with mock curiousness for a few moments before I hard the blood curdling scream it   
made before it defeated Ayanami, it launched itself at me with a devastating full body   
kick, I barely had time to place my rifle in front of me before it smashed into me.   
We skidded along the ground, finally coming to rest away from each other, as I climbed   
back to my feet it slung an arm towards my Eva's throat and gripped around it, following  
up with the other hand.

I gagged violently, it was choking the life right out of me, I tried to cough   
but it tightened it's grip even more, trying to break my Eva's neck. It forced me   
against a mountainside, propping me up. Then I saw it on my view screens, an entry   
plug held down by some gooey substance.

"I knew it, there's still a person inside" I croaked.

"Why aren't you fighting?" My father's voice range through the entry plug.

"I-I can't, there's still a....person inside. No matter how small the chance   
is, we have to....help him."

"Irrelevant. It is your enemy, destroy your enemy!"

"NO! I'D RATHER DIE!" I surprised myself with that statement.

"Dammit!" I heard my father curse for the first time in my life. "Activate   
the backup system!" I heard my father argue with someone but couldn't make out the   
words. "It's still better than the current pilot, do it!" Those words still haunt me.

As I felt my last drops of life begin to ebb out of me everything went dark,   
I breathed in deeply, filling my stomach with LCL instead of air, it was sickening   
feeling. Father had disengaged the system, I felt a momentary rush of relief until   
I remembered the words 'It's still better than the current pilot.' My mind raced   
wondering what he had replaced me with, I didn't have to wait long to find out.

The darkened plug was suddenly illuminated by a dull red light, I looked   
behind my seat to confirm my fears, the mode had been switched from A to C. A was   
designated as manual control and C was only a theoretical mode I had heard gossip   
about, but I was about to get a first hand demonstration. I hear my Eva let out   
a growl of it's own, then my screens flashed back to life. I saw the hands of my   
Eva grab onto the neck of Eva three. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING FATHER?" I screamed.

He didn't answer and I watched helplessly as my Eva tightened it's grip  
with extraordinary strength, even for an Evangelion, snapping Unit three's neck  
like a twig with a wet crunch sound. I threw my head to the side to stop myself  
looking, I believed that at least the horror was over when the Eva roared and threw  
the broken Eva to the ground and began to tear it apart, limb from sickening limb.

I futility yanked the controls screaming for my father to stop my possessed  
Eva but he ignored my cries. Finally the sounds of tearing metal and flesh subsided  
and I looked up to see the Eva had it's ultimate goal in it's grasp, the white  
entry plug tube. I saw the Eva increase the strength in which it squeezed the plug,  
cracks rippling along the surface of it.

"MAKE IT STOP!"

The entry plug shattered in the right hand of my Evangelion, in front of my  
own eyes. In my mind I knew that the pilot was just about to die, and there was   
nothing I could do about it.

"NOOO!"

******

They left me to sit in the entry plug while the emergency crews scrambled  
over the remains of what was once Eva unit three, looking to see if there was anything  
left to save. I had stopped crying, but I was still sobbing ightly. Whoever was in   
that entry plug didn't deserve to die, many questions raced through my head, what would   
they tell his family, what would become of me?

I looked at my hands, all I could see was blood on them, I quickly rubbed them   
togeather in an effort to remove the dark red liquid but to no avail, the blood   
remained. I had taken an innocent life, even if I didn't do it willingly, it was still   
murder. Murder, the word filled me with dread, my body began to shake involunatrily,   
the blood, THE BLOOD JUST WOULDN'T COME OFF! Even if I wasn't punished, I wondered   
if I could continue to live with myself because of it.

"Shinji?" The concerned voice of Misato Katsuragi came over the communication  
link, I should have been overjoyed that she was still alive and well enough to speak,  
but I wasn't. At first I feared she was going to reprimand me, but that fear quickly   
faded. Punished or not, I wondered if I could continue to live with myself because   
of it.

"I killed him, m-my father forced me to." I sniffed.

"God I'm sorry Shinji." It made me wonder why she was sorry when it was  
I who took a life.

"I'm sorry I never told you who the pilot was, Shinji...t-the pilot of Eva   
three is...the fourth child is...."

I wasn't listening very hard, my eyes were focused on the several men in  
hazard suits waving frantically while pulling something out of the wreckage. Then  
I saw him. I was speechless, I quickly shut down the screens and comm links, and  
there in the darkness the cries returned once more.

"TOJI!"

******

I refused to acknowledge any orders to leave the entry plug when they returned  
me to the Geofront, finally they cut the hatch open and dragged me out, I was taken   
directly to a holding cell. I don't know how long I spent on the cold floor just  
looking at my knees in the dim light, but I didn't care, I felt like the worst person  
in the world. I had just killed my best friend. But that wasn't the worst feeling,   
it was more of a sense of helplessness, I had bore witness to the whole event, yet   
was powerless to do anything.

I felt like dirt, worse than dirt, scum.

The door to my cell creaked open and the first rays of light I had seen in a   
while spewed into the room. I had been in there a fair while I could tell since I   
was blinded by the light.

"I'm sorry it had to come to this Shinji."

"At least you're not a murderer Misato-san." I lowered my head.

"And neither are you."

"W-what?!" I perked my head up to face the almost scalding amount of light  
streaming in the doorway.

"Toji is alive and doing well. His injuries stem as far as an amputated  
left arm and leg, a damaged kidney and some heavy bruising."

My mind was ignorant to the extent of the damage to him, the pure fact that he  
was alive sent my mind into a happy spin, but then I remembered how he ended up that  
way, and my soul grew dark. I made fists in both my hands. "My father used me to hurt  
Toji! To try and kill him!"

"He did what he had to do Shinji-kun, or we all might have died."

"I just don't care anymore Misato-san. Eva has brought me nothing but pain   
and unhappiness. Now it's forced me to hurt someone I know."

"So....you won't pilot again?"

"No, not this time. It's come to far for that."

"You're in an emotional state of mind Shinji, it's not right to make such major   
decisions in this situation."

"I AM BEING RATIONAL, WHY IS IT THAT NO-ONE BELEIVES ME?!"

"I don't really think you understand your situation."

"I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY. I WITNESSED THE NEAR DEATH OF MY BEST FREIND, AND   
IT WAS THAT...MONSTER WHICH I PILOT WHICH DID THE DAMAGE!" I was panting heavily, my   
outburst draining my already taxed reserves.

"Because, you just went through a traumatic episode, I can understand that you   
would..."

I shot another dirty look at Misato, making the woman step back in surprise.   
"What would you know about traumatic?"

"Shinji..." she finally began again. "Are you about this?"

"Yes."

Misato sighed. "Then there's someone you have to see."

******

I was brought before the desk of my father, handcuffed behind my back like some   
kind of criminal. His cold emotionless posture had intimidated me in the past, but   
now it only served to help me push him from any sense of being human into some type   
of monster. Yet even with any apparent shred of humanity left in him,  
I still couldn't bring myself to hurling an insult or any type of harsh word, I guess I   
am somewhat of a coward.

"I assume by your presence here, you have refused to pilot Evangelion unit one."

"Yes." I answered with as much anger in my voice as I could muster.

"Then you are no longer needed here."

"I will go back to my old teacher."

"Then I believe this shall be the last time we ever meet again."

"I certainly hope so." With that the two agents forced me from the room.   
Once outside they removed my handcuffs and pushed me out of his outer office. I gave   
the two agents a hard look before I turned and walked towards the elevator. On my way   
there I passed another group of dark suited agents escorting someone, but I couldn't   
see who it was, but then I didn't really give it much thought.

The first leg of the trip in the elevator was uneventful, I was by myself in   
the large moving room with only the floor indicator and it's incessant clicking noise   
to keep my company. The lifts always seemed to take forever, especially when you were   
very eager to get out of headquarters. I wasn't really paying attention to what floor   
I stopped at, but I knew it wasn't surface access.   
  
All of my anger drained out of me like I had suffered some large emotional   
leak as I saw the annoyed face of Asuka looking back at mine. She didn't speak, she   
only pushed her way past me and leant against the far wall of the carriage. As the   
elevator continued it's trip neither of us spoke, all I could do was watch the floor   
indicator and hope that it would somehow go faster. Then I realised that I couldn't   
really escape Asuka after all since we both took the same route home, and the   
undeniable fact we both lived at the same house as well, I sighed as the hopelessness   
set in.  
  
"I-I'm glad you're alright Asuka."

She snorted in disgust. "If I hadn't been distracted by YOU, I would have got   
that angel."

I flinched at her comment. If only she knew what I had went through, but then   
I was never prepared to tell her myself. "I'm sorry."

"Augh!" She screamed. "You're so pathetic, you're so impossible at times!"

Luck was somehow with me as the elevator doors opened and gave me reprieve from   
the shrieking girl. I ran as fast as I could.

"That's it, run away you coward!"

I knew it was futile since she'd find me later if she wanted to, but I just   
had to get away. I didn't stop running till I reached the automatic gates, once   
through I just kept running. Finally I stopped completely out of breath, not knowing   
where I was I looked up and studied my surroundings to get any indication of where I   
was. I was rather shocked when I realised where I had run to, Mana's apartment block.  
Slowly I made my way up the flights of stairs and to her door which I had been at only   
once before. I pressed the button and knocked on the door for several minutes, deciding   
no-one was home I curled up on the wall near her doorstep and waited.

******

I don't know how long I waited, all I knew was that when I got to her apartment   
it was already dusk and it must have been getting rather late into the evening before   
I was jerked back to reality by a gentle tap on the shoulder. Groggily I looked up and   
saw Mana's concerned face.

"S-sorry, I must have fallen asleep."

"That's fine Shinji. But why are you here?"

I had no idea myself. "I....I, I'm sorry." I stood up to leave when Mana   
grabbed my arm.

"You've come all this way, please come in at least for a little while." Her   
shy smile broke any resistance I had to her suggestion.

"O-okay."

I had never been in her home before so I was very surprised as I stepped   
through the doorway. The place was totally spotless, everything stack neatly and put   
away. I guess since I had lived with Asuka so long I got the idea not every girl had   
an amount of tidiness in them, that or one who had even more than I did.

"If I knew you were coming I might have cleaned up a bit."

My jaw dropped. "What?"

She smiled. "Just kidding." I watched as she headed towards the kitchen.   
"Would you like some tea?"

"Y-yes please." I answered while seating myself at the table. "I thought you   
lived with your father?"

"Oh I do, he's just at work now. He has a lot of night shifts, so he could   
see me during the day instead."

I sighed, if only my father was like that. It wasn't long before Mana   
reappeared with two cups of hot tea in her hands. I immediately stood and accepted   
one of the cups she held towards me. We both sat at the table for a few minutes sipping  
our tea.

"I'm glad that you're okay Shinji."

"I-I, thankyou, but I'm more relieved to see that you are okay." I started to   
blush.

"Well the fighting is just so dangerous, I heard you've seen the hospital more   
times than a doctor has." We both  
laughed.

"Did you, beat that angel?"

My hand started to shake slightly as I gripped my teacup as the memories of the   
battle drifted back into my mind.

"I-it wasn't an angel..."

"Shinji, what's wrong?" Mana's concerned look returned as she reached out and   
steadied my shaking hand. "You can tell me, I'm here for you Shinji-kun."

I gulped, and turned my hand so I held hers in mine. She looked up at smiled   
at me, despite the bad feelings stirring within me I felt safe, trusted and welcome.   
"W-Well, the a-angel possessed the new E-Eva."

"Was someone piloting?" Mana gasped.

"Y-yes, I-I refused to fight it, even after it hurt Asuka and Rei. M-my father   
used some remote control to force the Eva to kill it."

Mana's other hand came up to cover her mouth. "Is...is the pilot okay?"

I was shaking all over by then. "I-it crushed the entry plug, I....it tried   
to crush Toji."

"Suzahara?!" Mana exclaimed. "From our class?!"

I nodded weakly. "I-it failed, but he's been hurt really bad."

"Oh my god, Shinji I'm so sorry."

"My father tried to kill Toji, and he did it using my hands, that bastard!" I   
sobbed, my head hitting the table as I began to cry again. I hard Mana's chair shift   
and before I knew it she had run around to my side of the table and embrace me from   
behind, quickly stood up and backed away from her. She looked both confused and hurt.

"I'm not worthy of comfort" I whispered.

"You are worthy Shinji-kun."

"I...have inconvienced you, sorry..." As I headed for the door I felt her hand   
grab mine.  
  
"Please Shinji-kun, if not for me, for yourself."

The pressures of the day had amassed to breaking point at that moment as I   
fell to my knees, crying harder than I had done before. "Why did he make me, WHY DID   
HE MAKE ME DO THAT?! I'm just a pawn, a spinless little coward!" I began punching   
the floor.

Mana knelt down in front of me, watching as continued to breate myself until   
she reached out and tentiavly grabbed my already bruised fists and cupped them in her   
hands. I weakly tried to squirm away, but she wouldn't let me escape, my tears  
continued to flow.

"WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?!"

The harder I cried and tried to free myself, the harder she hung on. "You   
might not believe this Shinji, but I care what happens to you, I care about how you   
feel about yourself. And when you are well we can talk about it, but for now, just let   
it out Shinji-kun, let it all because I'm here for you, I'm here for you..."

To be continued....

Writer/Storyboard: Les Robb aka Rion (rion@dingoblue.net.au)

Authors notes:

I would like to thank Alan Gravel for the idea for this story. Mana is an undervalued   
character, this story is dedicated to her and the idea 'what if' she befriended Shinji   
in his darkest hour, could her friendship really change the course of events?

And thanks be to my pre-readers:

Worldmage drahcir_j@hotmail.com

Ken Stokes cerokai@21stcentury.net

Silencer mays@one.net.au

Seph Khan sephirothkhan@hotmail.com

Rugle s369520@student.uq.edu.au

Greywolfe mdt02@uow.edu.au

Sarevock antoniogalvan@usa.net

And all the members of the Evangelion Fanfiction mailing list.

Special Thanks go to:

Draxel Bethleham - brilliant ideas as always

Kimberly Laskitt - for actually saying something nice about the whole project

There was something I forgot....oh yeah, OMAKE!

I was brought before the desk of my father, handcuffed behind my back like some   
kind of criminal. His cold emotionless posture had intimidated me in the past, but   
now it only served to help me push him from any sense of being human into some type   
of monster. Yet even with any apparent shred of humanity left in him,  
I still couldn't bring myself to hurling an insult or any type of harsh word, I guess I   
am somewhat of a coward.

We continued to stare at one another, our gazes unwavering.

"You know what this means don't you?" He began.

"Yes."

He smirked, then before I knew it, he valuted himself over the desk and  
touched me on the shoulder. "You're it!" He yelled before sprinting  
off out of the office, laughing all the way.

I scowled, afterall it wasn't really fair that I always had to try and tag   
him in these handcuffs.

-----------------  
Disclaimer:  
Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned and copyrighted by Gainax, all characters used from   
that series as well as familiar plot links and scenarios. All names are (TM) and (C) by   
their respective owners.


End file.
